Dave is always getting into trouble on the tractor. He seems to have the car permanently hooked up to it with these big red leads. There is always something not working right. I think he should ditch it and get a pack of my mates to pull stuff around. Whatever happened to dog power anyway?…

Dave is obsessed with old stuff. It all started with what he calls vinyl records – some sort of plastic discs that are no good for chasing at all but produce music when he puts them on a machine of some sort. I wasn’t so keen – seemed like a waste of time and space…

I am doing my best as marketing manager – not that I ever asked for the job. They always roll me out when a group of customers arrive. But I have to say – I know bugger all about grapes, in fact I’m not even allowed to eat them. Weird that Dave would choose to…

Everyone keeps saying I’m obsessed with food. Unfair. I don’t know what they’re on about – Dave barely gives me enough to fuel my old engine and M keeps telling him to stop feeding me – I’m confused! Anyway, people who come into the cellar door are the ones who are obsessed with food. I…

Dave spent hours out in the heat putting nets over the vines, and I don’t get it. What a lot of palaver! Does Dave seriously think the birds won’t break in if they really want to! They’re not stupid you know and they have a habit of sticking their beaks in where they don’t belong….

Dave is sneaky when he gets old stuff. He drags me off to all sorts of places and I sit there smiling at various hobos looking to get rid of their useless crap, all the time thinking ‘what is M going to say about this’. Of course he doesn’t tell M – all very cloak…

Dave’s ‘Piece de resistance’ as he called it (he thinks he is cool when he jibbers a bit of French) was M’s Christmas present. What a joke! M, like any other woman, would no doubt like jewelery or clothes or even a new puppy for me to play with and her to cuddle. But oh…